birth and such

grateful     complete lack of patience      excitement      dread      anticipation       self-talk     research    trying to not think about it       peace    tired     mysterious     empowering      connecting   common

Sorting through emotions and reactions to my pregnancy and more specifically the labor and delivery part of that pregnancy has left me feeling like I don't really know myself quite as well as I may have thought. We are all a bundle of contradictions and reactions, non-static and quite malleable, but sometimes it feels like I am sitting to the side, watching myself become and feel all these unanticipated things, with absolutely no control over where I'll go next. Other times I am completely solid, feeling it all from the inside and much more able to be and then think about how and why and what next.

There is something about feeling your body--you-- doing things completely out of your control that can both freak you out and help remind you that not much is ever really in your control anyways. I think we know this about life. But when its your own self, your body self, it seems different somehow. You are told to "Just trust. Your body knows what it is doing. It was made for this." Beautiful, mostly true sentiments that I believe. Almost. But I think like with any relationship, when trust has been broken once or a few times, it can be repaired but it's never quite the same. I'm not sure which is better or more possible for me: full trust that things will work out, or just letting go-- accepting whatever happens will happen. I'm currently wobbling between the two.

There are days I feel so much for and about Peter. Not in a feeling sorry for myself, or thinking mine an uncommon loss sort of way, but just a sadness and wondering and hurt. I am grateful for Anna. What a funny little creature to have forever as my daughter. Also, staring down at this massive belly of mine and realizing the way out for this little girl certainly isn't very big. How will/does my body do it?

At the store today, a man said to me "Wow! You look like you're about to become two humans!".  And I suppose I am.

(These paintings are by my lovely cousin Emily Bagley. I'd wanted to document in some way this beautiful pregnant phase my body is in, but have yet to see a maternity photo shoot that wasn't incredibly cheesy. So I asked her if she'd be up for it. I solemnly swear I did not pose naked. And clothes aside (literally), I love what she came up with. Bodies and life are really this magical.)