Te amo

"Because love is as much a verb as it is a noun, the phrase “I love you” is much more a promise of behavior and commitment than it is an expression of feeling" Lynn Robins


My little brother sent me this this morning, embedded in a talk about successful marriage. He is taking a marriage preparation class. Which is at once a good idea and humorous. Not that he is taking it.  Indeed a little funny to believe little brother is preparing himself for marriage. But more that there is a class, many classes I suppose, that you can take that will supposedly prepare you for marriage.


Seeing as it is likely the most important, all encompassing, all consuming, thing you will ever be involved in-- this marriage-- it is interesting that we don't spend any more of our time or efforts seriously learning how to be good at it, or even trying understand what it is and means before we jump on into it. Plenty- no, I will boldly say way too much of our time is spent learning about (obsessing over) how to attract that special someone, how to have the right hair, clothes, make up, personality to be, well, attractive. But then? Then once we have successfully attracted the attention of our intended audience? The magazines are oddly silent. Not much is said about that. Or about why it is so much more valuable a skill to build and nourish a relationship after the initial attraction rather than simply drawing attention to yourself. It's just nowhere near as interesting I suppose to dream about doing each other's laundry or deciding what to cook for dinner. Again.


We naturally yearn for the first euphoric moments of fresh love, or even being noticed. It is just so new. So many chemicals. And we love pictures of old couples, wrinkled and holding hands, "So cute!".  The in between? 


Well I'm here to say it is just as wonderful. Just as wonderful as you make it.


I am no expert on marriage, having been involved in the institution just shy of three years. But I have been an eye witness to many long term and short term marriages all around me, and have come to the conclusion that so much of what makes marriage a success or failure is summarized in that quote. "I love you is a promise of commitment and behavior".


Our ability to control ourselves-- our habits, appetites, impulses-- determines our success or failure in most every aspect of life.  That, coupled with our attitude. But marriage is the fusing of two lives, and this ability, or lack of it, blended with our daily attitude, becomes more than twice as important. I was never good at math, so I don't know why, but it does. Maybe the whole fusion thing.


When we say we love someone, especially the one we intend to marry or are already married to, we need to understand just how much more that means than "I think you are attractive." or "I really love this feeling and hope it lasts." It means we choose. And it means we are responsible enough and committed enough to the existence of this new fused life to act accordingly.


I love my husband. To the point that word has been entirely redefined for me. Not because it is new love. Not because he is always wearing dashing outfits or has his hair cut just right.  ( In fact, he cut his own hair the other day standing in front of the bathroom mirror-- don't tell his mom) I love him because I know him. I know him so well. There is no part he hides or pretends to be. And he knows me equally. It is a knowledge I believe can only come with the kind of commitment and depth marriage allows. It comes with nights and days and weekends and long drives and honest discussion. There are tears and there are moments of ridiculous. I want to somehow share even a gumdrop sized piece of it with any one who is wondering if marriage is really worth it. "It is!!" I shout. It really really is.  Every day. Worth it. There is no other relationship like it. And no other way to become more yourself than to share yourself completely with someone else. Choose. Love.