Due to the dramatic end, all evidence (journals, letters, gifts, notebooks, pictures--all of which there were quite a large number) have literally been burned. And with the passing of Garrett this spring, I am left alone to record what has been. It will be one sided and greatly lacking in detail. I am not sure why I feel it needs to be written down, but it does. It was a lengthy, wonderful, confusing, impactful chapter of my life that I no longer wish to erase as I did.
I was 8. We had just returned home from a year in England. My dad was going to home teach the Smith family. “They have a boy about your age Brinn. Maybe you could come with me this time?” And so the two of us walked through our backyard, down the Mensel’s driveway, and up to their front door. My dad had his falcon on fist, and as we sat in the warm front room, I watched as that little boy’s big brown eyes got bigger, listening intently to every word from my Dad’s mouth. He could hardly conceal the smile spreading across his young face, and kept looking back and forth from the bird, to me. Two loves were born that day. I still remember what it felt like to be looked at like that. 8 years old, and I could feel something in his gaze. Something new and powerful and a little unnerving.
The next day he was on the bus. I hadn’t ever noticed before or him me, but now our eyes met again and that light and smile I would come to love flashed across his face. I looked away.
The following week, at recess, a kid from the grade above me ran down the grassy hill in an urgent manner, shoved a folded piece of yellow paper into my hand, and sprinted away. Eyes looking at me. I opened it up to read a message from my new admirer, and felt and hated the red in my cheeks. “Please write back.”
The next day, this time at morning recess, another note. And another and another. I didn’t know what to do with this unwanted attention.
Every Tuesday afternoon was my violin lesson at Jane Mensel’s house. I had only to walk through my backyard, through the gate, and I was there. But today something else was there too. A small wooden box had been attached with wire to the fence, orange lettering describing its purpose as a “Mailbox for Garrett and Brinn ONLY”. I looked inside. A letter,some chocolates and a rubber banded bunch of dandelions and flowers from neighbors' gardens. ‘I think you are nice. I want to marry you. Love, Garrett”
* * *
The next day, a note at recess. “Look in the mailbox.” Another present. This continued for days, each present getting more and more extravagant. Soon the mailbox wasn’t big enough, and the gifts were then set underneath it with only a note in the actual box. Until finally my mom called his parents to return some very large decorations and flower arrangements “borrowed” from his dad’s company.
I wasn’t one to love attention, and hated the teasing I got from my family about the whole thing.
I decided not to write back in an attempt to show the gifts had to stop. But then he showed up at my house, a baby bird in a brand new cage with my name literally on it. We named him Bilbo. Then went on a trip and forgot he needed to eat all those days we were gone. He died. I felt horrible. So horrible. I didn’t want to tell Garrett, but he somehow found out and then showed up with his own pet cockateil he was known to walk around with on his shoulder. I refused, but he insisted. I have always been bad at saying no. Particularly to him. And so, we added a cockateil to the number of birds already at hour house.
“I can’t date until I am 16” I remember saying. “What about going out?” “I think that counts. I can’t do it.” It was too much, too fast, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I was, afterall, about 9 years old. I remember playing outside one day when I heard the click of our back gate. It could only be him. I immediately hid under a bush and remained there until I knew he had gone, unable to believe I really was doing that.
And then Aaron entered the situation. The two of them were good friends, Aaron my age and Garrett a year older. One day at school, I got a note as usual. No surprise there. But this time there was a tiny machine gun drawn on the cover. I opened it up to see different handwriting and a much wordier message. Aaron? LOVE, Aaron Griffith?
Soon the two of them began trekking up through the backyard together. They would tease each other about who I liked more. But even I could tell, at that age, Aaron’s was a momentary infatuation, Garrett’s was something else entirely.
Skipping to the present * * *
There is a weight, when a heart is broken. I feel it still some quite times, my breath tightens and I see the eyes. I always thought looking back, we would know.
But there are still questions. There are still regrets. There is peace at a true decision. But aches and things never said sit patiently on the lungs.
A man named Sei Weng owned a beautiful mare which was praised far and wide. One day this beautiful horse disappeared. The people of his village offered sympathy to Sei Weng for his great misfortune. Sei Weng said simply, "That's the way it is."
A few days later the lost mare returned, followed by a beautiful wild stallion. The village congratulated Sei Weng for his good fortune. He said, "That's the way it is."
Some time later, Sei Weng's only son, while riding the stallion, fell off and broke his leg. The village people once again expressed their sympathy at Sei Weng's misfortune. Sei Weng again said, "That's the way it is."
Soon thereafter, war broke out and all the young men of the village except Sei Weng's lame son were drafted and were killed in battle. The village people were amazed as Sei Weng's good luck. His son was the only young man left alive in the village. But Sei Weng kept his same attitude: despite all the turmoil, gains and losses, he gave the same reply, "That's the way it is."
Chinese Folktale
I'm the one. I broke it. I understood what it would mean, so I put it off. I was confused, unsure, childish.
I was a child. I did so much without knowing.
He startled me with his plans and commitment, his certainty, his drive. In him I found things. I needed him. He needed me to be more.
Our lives were woven. Our hearts did speak. He challenged and pushed me, worshiped and protected me, misread and defined me.
From childhood to college, we struggled, we drove, we climbed, we walked in the sun and the dark holding hands.
We meant so much.
2/23/04
To be in love: To smile at the thought of her, to dream of her, to wait for that kiss, to want her happiness, to give everything to see her smile, in awe of the purity and beauty, to feel the deepest emotions and feel your hearts twine together.
I will always love her and only her. I will respect and honor her, I will strive to live the commandments and to live up to what she imagines I am. I will treasure her for what she is, the greatest gift ever received and I will care for her through all things good and bad, I will love and protect her from sadness and heartache. I will try every day to be worthy of such a great blessing by serving her and others and trying to be happy and positive, to make something of myself and accomplish the great things she gives me strength to do. I'll feel her soft touch and know that it is truly an angel. I will look into those eyes and see such great power. She is a fountain of calm and strength. I will always love her, her whole self every part all of it together. I will hold her close and remember how strong and smart she is and what an honest pure heart. I can only say "I love you" but it means all and more than can ever be written she is so wonderful I yearn for her I need her I love her.
He went on a mission. It ended. And started. And ended. And started again, since it hadn't really ended. We were best friends, not meant to be spouses, for many reasons. And then it really ended.
Thursday, January 4
Yesterday was one of the more horrible of my life thus yet. I have never felt so confused, helpless, earnest, torn, angry, frustrated, or incapable to such a degree and all at the same time. I hate that such eternal decisions must be made based on such brief and urgent human emotions in such a relatively minute period of time.
Had a long chat with Garrett. This whole week since I've been home, I've seen him every day and come to remember, feel, and realize the love I have for him. At times it feels so right. Almost to the point of doubting the reality and meanings of my feelings for Eric. But then I think of what I do feel for Eric and simply cannot deny its validity. I do love him. I love them both. And they in turn both love me. I feel duplicitous and completely lost.
I cannot feel good about being with Garrett knowing he is completely sure and committed while I remain unclear. But I cannot feel good about ending everything with him knowing how I feel about and when I'm with him. It is a horrible realization that whatever, whomever I decide, at this point, I am going to hurt a completely wonderful and undeserving person. I want to do what is right, but I don't know what that is. And I don't know how to find out.
I'm not one to believe there is only one right person in the world for every other person. But being who I am, knowing what high/strange standards I have for any potential "one", I never imagined I'd find two. At the same time.
1/21/07 Dating Brinn is the most intense activity of my life.
Saturday, March 10th
Huge, crying sigh of relief. I have at length come to the horribly painful and complicated decision that Garrett and I must end. The past few months of dating have been very much up and down (to employ understatement), full of love, confusion, pure happiness, anger, more confusion, and communication gaps. I have learned and felt incredible things. I have swung as a pendulum from feeling really great to absolutely horrible about "us". I love Garrett. He is my best friend. I feel now with a surety that we are not meant for each other.
I don't know what that means as far as how (if) we will interact. We will. There's no avoiding it. I am scared. I am doing what I feel is right with no idea of the outcome. Except the devastation that will be his life for the next little while. Knowing that is what has kept me form ending it. Garrett is strong. But at his core is a vulnerable little boy. He will carry on just fine on the outside. Inside he will crumble. His whole vision of his life, all his plans and goals, much of his current thinking, most of his motivation, is based on "us".
Everyday we will pass each other's houses and not go in. There will be a noticeable hole in both of us.
7/2/07
It's so strange being surrounded by people and feeling alone. I still feel an emptiness inside. I hung out with Jeff last night, and it was fun, but totally empty. I feel that is the hardest part of losing Brinn. She was my light and she filled me. Now I have that not and I don't know what to fill it with. She was the glue that held me together. It's really hard to see her. I think I would prefer not to if possible.
11/18/07
This last week I realized two important lessons: With Brinn, I performed extremely poorly. I was her best friend and I gave that up for something I wanted. What a waste of something pure and heavenly. A real friendship existed there that could have been the font of such strength and peace. Rather, in my intensity I lost sight of that blessing in search of an unimportant goal of marriage...
We both met and married incredible people who really did, as they say, make all our dreams come true. Our love story has a very happily ever after in that sense.
So for a while, I tried to push him out of me, tried to not remember stinky feet, long grass, and starry skies. We needed to be separate. We were. Now he's left this earth. And I welcome him too late back in. He is part of who I am, what I know of life, what I've loved. I will keep learning.
I am grateful to have shared so much with this tall and restless soul. I am grateful for what we helped each other become. There is nothing but joy and light that we eventually each found who we were supposed to be with, that we found our perfect fit, that he did find his happiness and light in such a beautiful way. My throat still swells-- he is gone.
