I walked alone to church this week, trusty yellow rain coat and my bag of entertaining-to-four-year-olds books bouncing up the hill on my hip. It was the kind of sky and day that makes you feel like maybe you're not in Utah, too wet and tentative for our mountain desert. But lovely air to be breathing and walking in.
I didn't really want to go to church actually. I had had a combined total of about 90 minutes sleep that night, with all the wiping noses, tiny ferocious coughing fits, and soothing sweaty curls. There was no way she was going, and Eric isn't allowed to teach our primary class solo. Eric and Anna's church plans then were to go for a walk, watch some mormon messages, and pray and sing together in our little red-brick house.
As I sat there alone before the meeting started, I felt a goodness wrap around me. These people are in the right place, trying to do good to each other and with their lives. And so am I.
The topic of first hour was the Holy Ghost, which though an oft talked about and in many ways the most personally known (experienced) to me member of the Godhead, remains entirely confusing when I think beyond how it works in my life and on into what he/she is, what his/her role is in the eternities, relationship to the Father and Christ, substance etc. (This really pushed my thinking about this earlier this year.)
One of the speakers in talking about who the Holy Ghost is, read the scripture about It not being like unto a man, otherwise it could not dwell with us. Simple enough, but for some reason that familiar scripture today started me thinking about how the Holy Ghost's lack, enables It to do different things, things even (apparently) Christ and the Father cannot do. And I began to think about my personal lack, and the possibility of dwelling not on what I don't have but on what that not-having enables me to do. Yes, I would love for Anna to have a sibling. But not having one yet does indeed enable us to remain involved in so many of the things we love to do. Not having _____enables me to ______.
Another thought had while listening (that had nothing to do with the talk really, but more on best approaches to making my life and myself the best it can be) was again a shift in focus. From the things I would like to see/do/have/add to my life and instead seeing the process more like sculpting. That perhaps sometimes it is more in the taking away, of things/habits/thought patterns/possessions that I can create the best version of myself.
speaking of getting rid of things, here's a couple potty portraits:)
speaking of getting rid of things, here's a couple potty portraits:)
I like this. So often our thought process (not a bad one) is to try and focus on our "haves". Count your blessings, name them one by one doesn't have to mean the blessings of having. It can equally mean the blessings of having not. Although my heart aches for the have-not you discuss here, I think you are quite something for thinking it. Love and thanks for sharing your thoughts, always.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this! Another one of my friends who's learning what God needs her to be through infertility once drew the parallel between being asked to wait to be a mother and being asked to wait to be a wife. Both situations involve so much that you yourself cannot control. Since the day she pointed that out to me, and since the day I became enveloped in the lives of my refugee friends, I've been grateful for the luxury that I have to stay for one more piece of paper, one more phone call, afforded by the fact that it's okay if I'm running behind schedule, because it's just me. Somewhere along the line I was taught that I have power as an individual to do good things, and that brings a clarity that shoves the doubts out of the limelight.
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