choice

Sometimes there's a gap. It means you eat that ice cream bar knowing full well that it will bring your organs and cells absolutely nothing nutritious.

Or find yourself at the end of a day not where or how you know you want.

Sometimes, it itches. Other times it feels so massive and real that you resign to it. You crawl or fall or sit down deep inside it and just do all the things you know better than to do.

Weeks can go by, sitting down there. Which is how it's been around here, in this head and body of mine.

Granted, it's been a crazy few months. Eric leaves before seven, gets home around 8 to eat dinner and put Anna to bed (sometimes) then works again until about midnight. Weekends frequently included.

Also the radiant heat pipes meant to warm our chilled little house decided instead to freeze, making them ever so less radiant. During Utah's 3rd coldest winter in recorded history. We have been staying off and on in my parent's basement, lives half leftover at home.

Also, I am pregnant.

BUT. The idea that what I put into me; food, ideas, entertainment etc is critically important and makes me who I will be, is one I have long held tight to and lived by. For the most part, I eat simple, real food. Lots of whole grains, fresh fruit and veggies, little or no meat.  I try to limit silly entertainment and actively use my mind to think and learn.

Recently though, I have just sort of laid down in that gap, opened my mouth wide and frequently, and let whatever falls come on in.

I want a wendy's chicken nuggets kids meal nearly every day.  Only 1.99 after 4:00! Chocolate chips, ice cream bars, cookies, processed snacks, and even a soda. In me. Mindless minutes spent in front of a computer screen while Anna naps. Lonely running shoes. And I'm in the middle of no book.

good news! Yesterday, I climbed out.

The gap is still there. I know I won't behave just exactly as I hope and know how. But I was sick of sitting.

p.s. I don't mean to be down on myself. I recognize I've done all sorts of wonderful things wonderfully as well these past few months. But oh it feels good to be standing on top. Choosing again.

"Self control is the highest form of courage." 

"Our moral muscles grow with exercise and use. If we want them to be strong for the times of greater temptation, we must make them strong by using them to resist the ever-recurring small temptations" William James