A person’s a person, no matter how small. --dr. seuss

"There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfulness, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme. If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms. -Charlotte Bronte

Life goes on, as it does and will, and we find ourselves a bit less sad, a bit more "normal".

There are times though, like driving home from dropping Erin and Afton off at the airport last week, that it all bubbles over. Not only the emptiness that always comes when we sisters find ourselves in different spots on the globe. But looking back in the rear view mirror and seeing two car seats, one full one empty. And Anna staring at it the whole way home.

I remember holding him in that bleached white blanket, moving every miniature finger and toe and wanting so badly to be his mother. This perfect, tiny little boy I will never push on a swing or kiss goodnight.

Then making the call to cancel the ultrasound sound we'd scheduled. "And what is the reason for this cancellation?"

Or sitting in the sun, eating sandwiches on stone benches in my parents backyard and listening to my grandma cry through the recounting of her two babies' deaths. Over half a century has gone by, and still she cries. Still she wonders about what could might should have been, and aches their loss.

I am not alone. Of this I am more aware than ever. I have felt God's comfort and reality through that long night and all that has followed. My family on both sides have proven the love I already knew.
Women across the ages have dealt with loss of this kind, and carried on, while many in my situation died right along with the babe.

I am blessed. And I am more grateful than ever for breath and light and life. For a husband who sees me and loves me fully, for Anna who is zest. For health and hope and the delicious happiness that I have known.

The sun shines on.

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”