birth and such

grateful     complete lack of patience      excitement      dread      anticipation       self-talk     research    trying to not think about it       peace    tired     mysterious     empowering      connecting   common

Sorting through emotions and reactions to my pregnancy and more specifically the labor and delivery part of that pregnancy has left me feeling like I don't really know myself quite as well as I may have thought. We are all a bundle of contradictions and reactions, non-static and quite malleable, but sometimes it feels like I am sitting to the side, watching myself become and feel all these unanticipated things, with absolutely no control over where I'll go next. Other times I am completely solid, feeling it all from the inside and much more able to be and then think about how and why and what next.

There is something about feeling your body--you-- doing things completely out of your control that can both freak you out and help remind you that not much is ever really in your control anyways. I think we know this about life. But when its your own self, your body self, it seems different somehow. You are told to "Just trust. Your body knows what it is doing. It was made for this." Beautiful, mostly true sentiments that I believe. Almost. But I think like with any relationship, when trust has been broken once or a few times, it can be repaired but it's never quite the same. I'm not sure which is better or more possible for me: full trust that things will work out, or just letting go-- accepting whatever happens will happen. I'm currently wobbling between the two.

There are days I feel so much for and about Peter. Not in a feeling sorry for myself, or thinking mine an uncommon loss sort of way, but just a sadness and wondering and hurt. I am grateful for Anna. What a funny little creature to have forever as my daughter. Also, staring down at this massive belly of mine and realizing the way out for this little girl certainly isn't very big. How will/does my body do it?

At the store today, a man said to me "Wow! You look like you're about to become two humans!".  And I suppose I am.

(These paintings are by my lovely cousin Emily Bagley. I'd wanted to document in some way this beautiful pregnant phase my body is in, but have yet to see a maternity photo shoot that wasn't incredibly cheesy. So I asked her if she'd be up for it. I solemnly swear I did not pose naked. And clothes aside (literally), I love what she came up with. Bodies and life are really this magical.)

human needs

If you'd like to hear about motivational speakers/philosophy, life organization, business theory, or religious thought, may I suggest speaking with my little brother. In his hours and hours of work for my dad, making tiny falcon backpacks (yes that's right, falcon backpacks) he chooses to pass the time by listening to speeches, TED talks, audiobooks, and any other uplifting thought provoking material he can. At this point, he's heard multiple hundreds of hours of these ideas, and it makes for not only one fantastic and inspirational life he's living, but also for great conversation whenever we get to have him around.

One of his favorites, that I'm afraid I'm guilty of teasing him about listening to so much, is the infamous Tony Robbins. I'd seen images and a few clips, but until last night, I hadn't really given the man a fair listening to. Eric and I were scanning through TEDtalks, and saw one of his, probably about 20 minutes long, and well. We watched a Tony Robbins presentation.

It was quick. He tried to pack a lot of what usually goes into multiple days of training into those few minutes, but I did come away with more respect and interest in who he is, what he's experienced, and what he has learned/proposed about human nature and motivation.

He talked about how seemingly unpredictable human success and fulfillment are, based on biography, background, or possessions. That there are things common among most all human experience, as well as something significant that makes those humans' lives and life choices so different.

In his opinion, all humans are trying to, and generally find ways to, meet these same basic needs:

certainty
variety
significance
connection and love

Through education, work, violence, social media, and any number of varied methods. We all prioritize these four in a different way, which necessarily leads us to behave and perceive the world in different ways as well. His idea is if we can try to understand that all people are behaving and choosing in ways trying to met these needs, we can understand and treat those around us better.

Then these two needs, if met, make for a fulfilling life:

growth
contribution

He called these spiritual needs, and suggested that many/most people do not prioritize or focus enough on these, leading to less fulfilling lives.

I can't say I'm going to sign myself up for one of his trainings. But I was left determined to be more intentional and aware about choices I'm making, and try to focus on how and what I am doing to grow and contribute more. To try and be more aware in my interactions with others of the ways they are trying to meet these needs and ways I could possibly help.  I was forced to admit t's been a good while since I really set and worked toward any goal. I think I'm guilty of putting a lot of things off until "I'm not pregnant anymore".  Have I mentioned humans gestate for a really long time? Many of these things, to be fair, I can't really improve on while pregnant, so it seemed a necessary way of dealing with the frustration of not progressing in many areas I felt like I previously was. But there are a good many ways that, big belly and all, I could be growing and contributing much more. And, I think I will now. Thanks, Tony.

I made it through my teenage years without too much drama, at least outwardly. No yelling, sneaking out, silent treatment, fights with friends, or fights with my parents for that matter. I was lots of less than awesome things, but dramatic wasn't really one of them. And so when I'd get the "Girls are fun, but just wait til they're teenagers. SO MUCH DRAMA." winky comments when pregnant with Anna, I'd just smile and think to myself, we'll have to see I guess.

The great and frustrating thing about your own kids though is that they are not you. Figuring out who they are, while they are doing the same thing, and encouraging the best parts of those selves to come forward, is a tricky trick. It is sometimes so obvious they are different than you, but at other times you almost have to pause and literally tell yourself "Stop seeing her as a mini you.", and instead just watch and listen and let them be those differences. And while it's fun and great to have things you can and like to do together,  part of the adventure is letting them also show you so many new ways to be and things to like.

So far, some things about Anna that are similar to me:

• She loves Eric. So much. She can feel what a good person he is and we talk about him all the time when he's at work. She also thinks he is good at "making funny jokes", has strong muscles, and is the best Baba pretty much ever.
• She whole heartedly loves learning new things. She could (and we do) read mountains of books every single day.
• She feels and wants to make music. She loves listening to music in most any form, but particularly watching it live. And man she loves to dance. Which is something I did too as a child, and lost somewhere after I quit ballet in 6th grade. She's a fun and frequent reminder of how delightful it is to just move your body, in no particular or correct way, just because.
• She's always up for an adventure. She loves being outside, in the mountains, on walks, bike rides, picnics, or park visits. And she likes to have good snacks.

Some things that are not:

• She is quite social. I love watching her walk on up to new kids (or adults) at the park and start an interaction. Her little body clearly saying "Of course they are going to be nice, doing something fun, and want to play with/talk to me." Such actions are almost always met with a positive response, and so the behavior is reinforced and continued. 
• She does not like chocolate. Vanilla only please. And all the sugary sweet candy (smarties/skittles/nerds/suckers/in-other-words-the-gross-stuff) I'd always give to Colin after Halloween are her preference to anything chocolate.
• She thrives on a schedule and on having things a very particular way. True joy is found when she moves the little magnet on our preschool schedule from one completed activity to the next. Making a plan for the day each morning gets and keeps her in a good mood.
• She is incredibly sensitive, in all ways. She can sleep only under very specific circumstances and cannot watch shows in which anyone has a struggle or bad motives. She also notices and remembers minute details and names of people we've interacted with. A good "remembery", she calls it. Brilliant mind, I'm pretty sure.
• She is quite prone to dramatic outburst. We are already working on not slamming doors, overreacting,  speaking in unnecessary superlatives and ultimatums, and self calming techniques. Example: When helping her get ready for a nap this week, she had a complete meltdown, for the following reason: "But Mom I can't just sleep in this same bed over and over and over!!!!" Little clenched fists, real tears. 
• Drama in general, seems to be in her future, but possibly (hopefully) as a hobby and/or after school activity. For now, if she could act out the story (no details missed) of Cinderella five times each day, it wouldn't be enough. Wardrobe changes, accents and voices, very particular phrases, songs, and dances. I never want to play it again, but after months of at least once through daily, her eyes still sparkle when she asks "Mom, do you want to play Cinderella??" She sings. She makes faces for many many minutes in the mirror. She directs those around her. She loves it.